A short update

So, I’ve stopped taking my medication. It might be a bad idea, but considering I’m not really feeling any better on it - I thought, what the heck; if I only get a little bit worse, or there’s no change at all; hooray! Or if I get a lot worse, I might finally end this fucking existence.

You might guess what direction I’m moving in here…

I’ve started a CBT session again, with the same shitty therapist as last time; but this time I’m doing it online. It’s funny how everyone appears to think you will feel better “by talking a walk”, “by going to a café”, “by activating yourself” - well, guess what? I’ve done all those things, I’m doing all those things, it’s only marginally better. Or “better” is not the correct word, I’m being distracted just long enough for the thoughts to gather new energy, and then trigger my self-doubt, self-loathing and hatred all over again.

I’m more active than ever, being careful not to fall into any escape- or distraction anti-patterns; I’m meeting new people, I’m challenging myself both socially, physically, and psychologically - so why the fuck don’t I feel even sligthly better?

I’m becoming more and more frustrated with work, frustrated with people - sure, I’m more present in social interactions nowadays, but even then there’s this grinding, pulsating, crushing frustration inside. It can’t be forced out, it can’t be drawn out, and it just wont go away.

So, now I’m back - writing here again. This outlet have probably saved my life countless times before; so I’m kind of hoping it will do so again I guess. The term “brain dump” comes to mind; so here I am - typing my innermost thoughts, feelings, frustrations and general anxiety into the void, where no one but me will read it.

Honestly, it’s not so much the frustrations and bitterness that’s the worst part - I can deal with that; I’ve dealt with that for most of my life. It’s the loneliness that’s the worst part. “You can call me any time if you want to talk”, yeah - I know. But you’ll grow weary of it when I call every time I actually need to talk, because it’s often. Like multiple times per day. I’m lucky enough to have a few unlucky friends though, who’s having rough times as well; so they are more understanding - and don’t shy away from actually having difficult conversations (I’ve brought up suicide-shaming before, haven’t I?). Those friends have actually helped me.

So if my last thank-you letter was a bit sarcastic and very much aimed at a specific person, this thank you is sincere, aimed to multiple people, and is from the bottom of my heart: Thank you for trying.