Just Some Random Thoughts

I’m sorry in advance for the rant, but I just need to vent. I know I’ve been offline for quite some time, and I know I usually try to make the posts at least a little bit scientific or at the minimum provide some fun fact; but this time I just need to vent:

I feel like shit.

I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling somewhat fine, at least on the surface, but I’ve been having trouble sleeping, feeling just weird in general, and having a general sense of loneliness. Tonight, I joined a few of my collegues for a couple of drinks after work and of course I do have fucking crush on one of my coworkers, who I know is taken already of course. This hasn’t really been an issue, as it’s not really news to me and we’ve been getting along quite nicely as friends for the last year or so.

But tonight I met her boyfriend, and while he seems like a nice guy - it fucking hurts. Even though it was pretty much how I expected things to go, it still fucking hurts. And my feelings of being alone is more present than ever.

I’ve been feeling a bit low for the last few weeks in general, probably because since I don’t really have anything to look forward to at the moment; but the extensial dread I’m feeling at the moment is worse than anything I’ve felt in a while.

During my ride home, I contemplated on the situation and realized that I don’t really have anything to live for. I can live for other people, but I’m honestly don’t have any reason to actually continue living to be honest. It’s not like I enjoy my life, and no one is dependent on me to continue their existence. Sure, some people might miss me - but to be fair; no one actually needs me.

It might be an excuse to continue living, but the more I think about it - the only one I’m staying alive for is my nephew and niece to be honest. And I don’t really have a close relationship with them, but I can’t imagine the (probably short-lived, but still) confusion they might experience when they’re told their uncle no longer exists. And I can’t even fucking get myself to go visit them because it hurts too much to realize what I’m missing out on.

I hate my fucking life, and I hate myself; and I’m so fucking tired of this.