Lights. Camera. Action!
A small disclaimer is probably in its place: I started writing this text about two weeks ago, and a lot have happened since then - especially regarding my depression (I’m actually feeling better, yay me) and I’ve completely forgot where I was going with this text. I think it was something in the lines of ‘you don’t have to look sad to be sad’ or something poetic like that. So; I’m sorry for the incoherent ramblings that will be quite obvious later on in this text. I’ll probably elaborate on the latest weeks in an upcoming post. And oh: I get a bit motivational in the end of this post - sorry about that…
There’s actually a few guides on how to hide your depression from others, colleagues or friends. I didn’t really know that the need for a guide to know how to do that existed. To me, it comes quite naturally.
The “secret” is to be in total control of your emotions all the time, and to keep a close watch at your surroundings. If you never get surprised, you’ll never lose control. You might argue that it’s a bad thing to bottle down your emotions and keeping them subdued for a long period of time, and I agree. In the long run, it’s probably not the healthiest thing to do, but I think the ability to manage it for shorter periods of time actually can help. It was a moment of logical analysis that prevented me from doing something stupid a while back, a loaded gun isn’t really something you should have in your hands during an anxiety attack.
Not surprisingly; keeping your emotions bottled up can have a negative effect on your life and might even lead to the emotions being stronger than ever. That being said, controlling your emotions can also have a positive effect - in the short run. It might be just the thing you need, right then and there - but it shouldn’t be a permanent solution.
That being said; hiding your depression in public and at work? There’s quite a few tips on how to accomplish it online, together with some reasons why.
Personal experience
Personally, I had a difficult time hiding my depression from my colleagues. Not the depressed state per se, but the symptoms of it. Since I had trouble falling asleep I often overslept, and if I weren't late I never had enough time to eat breakfast before leaving for work. Luckily I had flexible working hours so my colleagues didn't notice that I was late - and I always made sure to make up for my late mornings by working longer hours.The fact that not one single person actually noticed didn’t help me though, it was more of a confirmation that no one cared about me and probably contributed to my depression (take note kids: hiding your problems is not a good idea in the long run - who cares what other people might think?).
It was only after I suspected one of my colleagues suffered from a mild depression that I finally told him that he should consider seeing someone about it, and to reassure him that it wasn’t weird I admitted to being depressed and on medications. I met the guy last year again, and it seems like he’s getting his life back in order and like the selfish bastard I am, I think I was a big part of getting him there (I pretty much forced the poor guy to go to the psychologist).
But I digress: I’m not supposed to talk about other peoples fortune and mental sanity (not right now at least).
So; Hiding your depression = Easy. Hiding the symptoms = Hard. I feel that pretty much sums it up.
Why I feel like I deserve an Oscar nomination
Have you ever managed to tell such an elaborate lie to someone who you really don't understand how they can believe you? Imagine such a scenario playing out ten times a day, and the people you're conning are your family and closest friends - the people who really should be able to see through your acting. The feeling is best described as a mix of fear and excitement. Excitement since you manage to tell a believable lie and probably deserve some sort of award, and fear of getting caught in the act.In the beginning, it’s hard to keep lying and to avoid questions and different invitations to social gatherings - but after a while you get used to it. You don’t have to think about it anymore and lying and subterfuge become an integral part of you. For a while I managed to hide my depression and state of mind from pretty much everyone - but after a while, the energy to hide just runs out. But for about a year, I was the best actor Hollywood could have hired. I managed to act happy, excited, bored, tired, jolly and pretty much all other possible moods that a human can feel. I managed to hide how tired I was all the time, and somehow managed to get a raise at my job - and I even managed to sculpt a pretty solid plan for committing suicide without getting someone in trouble (or at least, I thought so at the time).
Even if I’m more honest about my mood and how I’m feeling now, I still think that managing to hide both emotions, feelings and thoughts can come in handy one day; so that’s a skill I’ll value and try to hang on to even though I don’t need it that much any more.